My Body is Sabotaging My Love Life

FYI: This post will get VERY personal VERY fast.

This past Monday I went on a date with a dude I've been talking to for about a month and whom I've been out with once before. We met for dinner Monday night and he invited me to his place for drinks. I knew "drinks" did not mean drinks. He knew "drinks" did not mean drinks. I don't need to go into details, you know where that went. I embraced my LIBIDO (great podcast btw)!

Everything was going great until he noticed a reddish spot on his white sheets. I now had the plague. Let me tell you, nothing ruins the mood than a 41yo man who can not get past this. Dude! You've been married! You should be comfortable with a woman's bodily functions. There really was no coming back after that.

To be clear this was not blood. This was a red/brown discharge which happens during ovulation and orgasm for me. I've been experiencing it for about the last year and only for the first week after my period. It is not the first time that I've experienced it with a dude but the first time I've dealt with that reaction.

It's more an annoyance than bothersome and I have spoken with my doctor about it. She feels it's just me getting older but offered to run some tests to make sure it was not anything else, i.e. STIs and cervical cancer. All tests came back negative and I am left with the assumption that I am experiencing perimenopause. Yes, I am a bit young to be going through it but it kind of fits with other things I've been dealing with. I've been crazy emotional over the past 1.5years. Like, CRAZY emotional. I cried at a Hilliary campaign video. I cried watching the King and I. I cried at a Secret commercial! I've also been experiencing migraines and a foggy brain. I've decided to try low dose birth control to help deal with this. I haven't been on it since 2008. It may not help but I want to see.

I haven't decided how I feel about this stage of my life. I continue to view myself as a 28 year old sexy girl. And I can still be a sexy 38 year old.....lady.

On a side note this led to a text thread between my mother, sister and I that I found hilarious. My mother did not. I informed them of my self-diagnosis. We're not quite sure what she did not find amusing. My offer or the fact that I'm perimenopausal.

Where Have I Been

Mostly hiding under my covers. It's been a dark couple of weeks.

Since about the beginning of August I've been working for the Clinton campaign in my city. Knocking doors, making phone calls, and registering voters. During Get Out The Vote I trained canvassers and ended up knocking 200 doors on November 8.

I had such high hopes for that day. I even had my Facebook Status ready! "Get your umbrellas out ladies! It's raining glass!" As you all know, I did not get to use that status. I will however, save it for the next run at the White House.

I woke up at 3am on November 9th and cried. I cried all day. I cried all week. I'll be honest, I still cry a little. But now anger and determination has taken over. I will take a more active roll in politics, in activism, in my community. "If you thought I was a liberal bitch before, you haven't seen anything yet!"

As of right now my life hasn't been impacted. But, I know life has changed and will continue to change for a lot of people out there. I want to be there for them and advocate for their needs.

NOW! I have wallowed in sadness long enough. And the kitchen (blog post in a few weeks) is almost done. It is time to get back to the gym. To hit the sidewalks/treadmill. I know working out will help me get through the next four years.

That Time I was an Unknowing Lesbian

This post almost seems non important or relevant now but it makes me laugh every time I think about it. The subject took place around Easter and I found out about it a couple weeks later. I've been meaning to write it up ever since but one thing after another kept making me postpone it. And now I'm mid kitchen tear out, but I'm waiting on some material.

It started with a text from my cousin on my mom's side to my sister informing her that during a convo between my cousin  and her parents about my sister's wedding, my uncle said, "Yeah, good for Laura. She'll be so much happier now that she's come out." My cousin was a little taken aback but asked her parents for more info to which they said that my mother showed them a picture of me and "my partner." My open minded and all inclusive cousin wanted to be supportive but wanted to make sure she had the situation correct before texting me to congratulate me on coming out and was therefore checking with my sister. This completely confused my sister and caused her to call my mom.

It's at this point that even more misunderstanding comes in. When my sister reaches my mother she's at dinner with her friend Louis but Sophie hears "I'm at Lowes, I'll call you when I get home." Sophie thinks, "ok, she'll call in about 30 min." Sophie then starts to analyze the short convo. My mother told her the story wasn't true but my mom quickly ended the phone call. To which Sophie reads as, "she doesn't want to talk about this." My mom came to Cleveland the week before, Laura must have come out then. And now she's coming home to tell me. Hours go by and my sister is stuck in her head thinking the craziest thoughts. "I know Laura's not gay but mom was quick to end the call. She's coming home this weekend, is she going to come out to me? WHY AM I THE LAST ONE THAT KNOWS THIS!!" Meanwhile, her husband is in the background telling her the rumor isn't true, that I like guys, and she's being crazy. So after a couple of hours my sister calls my parents house but reaches my dad, who informs her that my mother is still not home. Sophie is flabbergasted that mom is still at Lowes and my dad informs her that she's not at Lowes but at dinner with Louis. Sophie then tells my dad that she needs to talk to my mom and that she is to call her when she gets home, NO MATTER WHAT TIME. SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO HER. (Later, when my dad found out about why my sister was calling he gave her mad props for not outing me to him.)

My "partner" and I

About an hour later my mom finally calls her and between the two of them they realize that while my parents were at my aunt and uncles for Easter my mom showed pictures of my sisters wedding. One of the pictures (I can see it clearly in my head) is just me and my sister's business partner but my mom said "and this is her partner" meaning Sophie's business partner not Laura's lesbian life partner.

To clear up the rumor my mother contacts my uncle and asks to have lunch with him, which throws him for loop cause she never asks to have lunch. At lunch my mother informs him of the miscommunication, to which he got defensive and blamed her. Bless my mom, she remained calm and explained the picture was me with my sister's business partner. My uncle got so worked up he put his hands to his head, walked into the kitchen of the restaurant and poured himself a cup of coffee, exclaiming "Oh! Oh! It makes so much more sense now." My aunt and uncle went with the lesbian thing due to the ""partner" picture, my haircut, and my masculine presence."

Now! Mind you this is all happening without my knowledge. When I finally get home my parents ask me to sit down, they need to talk to me. This immediately puts me on edge. They then tell me that my aunt and uncle have believed me to be gay for the past month but not to worry they have corrected the misunderstanding and proceed to tell me the story. I have never laughed so hard. I can see each misunderstanding. Each miscommunication. Each assumption. The exact picture. I think my parents thought I would be mad, my uncle and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. But I see nothing wrong with being gay, nor anything bad about being thought to be gay. Also, it's nice to know that my extended family would be excepting.

So that's the time I was a lesbian for a month.

Body Love

I have almost always been ok with my body. Yes, there were times where I wanted to lose weight to have a better body, look better in clothes. There was a time that I tried bulimia. But now I want to lose weight, tighten muscles, to run longer, faster. Swim smoother. Live longer. I've gotten comfortable in body and have grown to love it. At 37 i'm comfortable enough to wear a bathing suit with exposed stomach. That backless shirt with a crazy awesome bra.

In exploring this new "body love" a unique opportunity popped up. An artist needed nude models for a photo shoot in Cleveland. I knew that I had to apply.

"During the majority of my life I have heard that I need to lose weight. That I was chunky. That I would never get a boyfriend at my weight. Up until about 8 years ago I was self conscious about it. I have now come to accept my body and love it the way it is. I run and do triathlons because they are fun. I do crossfit for the camaraderie. I'd like to use this photo/installation opportunity as a coming out for my body. That I love it the way it is. 

I am also a huge liberal and advocate for equal rights. The fact that this is happening during the RNC may help raise their awareness for equalality for women."

Sadly, he was only taking 100 women when normally he uses all that show up. The acceptance emails went out in early July and unfortunately I was not chosen. But I'm so happy I applied. And, who know's this was his second time here, maybe he'll come back and I can pose then.

By the way, the shoot seems to have gone well. You can also read about it in Esquire.

How Very Double Standard of You

**Warning frank sex discussion**

Paul Avril lithograph

I recently went on a date with a guy that I met online, obviously. We had things in common. Mutually found each other attractive. And had pretty great early conversations. I'm not sure how this conversation took a turn but it went very sexual after an hour or two.

I was raised in a family that was very open about all topics. And as a consequence I'm fairly open with discussing just about everything. So if some one asks me a direct question I'm going to give an honest answer.

The conversation with the dude consisted of what we like and don't like. What was the worst thing ever said to you during sex? Mine, "lets have a baby." Said to me by the side dish carpenter a month ago. Then the next question to me was "do you enjoy anal or butt play?" FYI, I do not. The guy seemed to want more info or seemed to think that he could convince me that it was for me. That some how it just wasn't done right in the past. So I decided to turn the question around. Did he enjoy it, on himself? He was rather shocked that I would ask this because he's a dude and no penis is going in his ass. But that's not the only thing that can be used. And when I pointed that out he was very adamant that he would not enjoy that and nothing was coming near him.

I found his reply to be a double standard and called him out on it.

If it's not ok for you why would you think it would be ok for me? Biologically, I would think it would men would be more inclined to have anal sex because of the prostate gland. I'm not sure what women would get out of anal sex? Some say the Gspot is better stimulated.

Please understand, I am not judging anyone who partakes in and enjoys anal intercourse. I just know it is not for me. AND, I know that if you want/expect one partner to partake in something the other partner should too.

Reasons for straight men

Ghosting

I'm trying to learn the art. I was talking to this guy and we went out a few times, 3 to be exact. I questioned whether to continue after the second date but went on the third to make sure of my decision. Shortly after the third date he left the country for a little over a week. A week after he got back I left the country for a week. I kind of thought in that time apart he would just get distracted and
I wouldn't have to really do anything. I took the route of GHOSTING. I never texted him first and took a while in returning his, if I returned them. I'm hoping he finally is getting the hint. I haven't heard from him in bit.  

**Update, I wrote this a few days ago and since i haven't heard from the guy in 4 days I'm going with success. 

****update#2, I actually wrote this a month ago, and have just received a text asking how my Easter was. It's been a month!

Now the article is defending ghosting in a relationship. I don't know if I would be ok with ghosting after a REAL relationship. I'm ok ghosting if the "relationships" were short or not even real relationships and no sex was involved.

Lotion. Basket

This is an actual email I got on POF this week. First, who thinks that's a great opening? Second, where am I to go with it?

As to the last part, I have a setting on my profile that people can't send me emails under a certain length. I thought it would prevent getting, "What up?" But it hasn't really, because now I get, "What up? hjkadkjhdk;oand fhei fkla dkfjioaif "